I´m about halfway through a book that a friend gave me before I left: Indecision. The main character, as the title might suggest, is a bit directionless. Without going into too much detail about the book (which is quite good, by the way) I´m struck by the extent to which I empaphize with him. Without question, I´ve made many good decisions in life. But, I´m still struggling to figure out what they all add up to. I´m sure this isn´t a unique sentiment, but removed from the pleasant, every day distractions that my cell phone, laptop, friends, and god-knows-what-else afford, the doubt and questioning strike me especially clearly. At the end of my life, who do I really want to be?
Traveling alone, not surprisingly, is a bit lonely at times -- especially for a person who is prone to feelings of lonliness! I find myself often saying (in life, but occasionally in Guatemala as well) "I want to go home", usually during moments where I feel a bit scared or out of place or confused. The thing is, I don´t really know what that means. What is my safe space? For a time, I think girlfriends played that role. But now that I´m not in a relationship, that safety net is gone. Like most people (I think), I want something in life that is clear, and safe, and simple, and reasurring.
I´m struggling to figure out where most people find this. Does everyone settle into something? Religion? Work obsession? Relationships? Is this a bad thing? Or is it an essential part of being human? Even a second rate marriage can provide a useful grounding or focal point for life; a sense of purpose and security. But, that strikes me as merely settling. (Clearly, I´ve attached a value judgment to that word, but I´m not sure that I should have.)
I suppose what I really want is to find this safe place and sense of purpose entirely within myself. But, I´m still not quite sure how. I suppose it isn´t indecision I´m wrestling with so much as a sense of uncertainty. I haven´t yet decided where I want to go, or who I aspire to be, or what I stand for. And, as confident as I often appear, I don´t think I´m yet confident that once I make those decisions, I actually have the capacity to create the world I envision.
I´m pretty sure this isn´t a unique set of thoughts. (And I´m also pretty sure it isn´t fully coherent!) But thoughts are always appreciated. Guatemala is a wonderful opportunity to see the world and to learn spanish and to have a set of wonderful adventures. But, just as importantly, it has been a wonderful time to think.
Te vayas bien, amigos!
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1 comment:
Yes Matt, your thoughts are not only coherent, they are quite cogent. The meaning of these deep thoughts is quite clear. They are the result of being human and normal. You have made many good decisions in your life, also some that in retrospect were probably not quite so good. Again, this part of being human and as you age you will find that the number of not-so-good decisions will have increased proportionately. It is those decisions that teach us the most.
Do not fear lonliness because it is from occassional lonliness that we open our minds and reach deeper into ouselves. Even in lonliness, those of us who cherish your presence on this earth are with you and we hold you in our hearts. Do not fear solitude but cherish it when the opportunity arises.
You are embarked on an adventure from which you will not only learn the langauage and culture, but as you are already seeing, more about self. Often, there are no answers, only questions that inspire you to learn and appreciate more
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